Squirrelman’s Nutzy World

Am I a Redneck?

Posted in: Cars, Family, Life, Philosophy | Comments (0)

I’m starting to get worried I might be… I recently went to Professional Bull Riding at Madison Square Garden. I have tickets to the Monster Truck Rally at the end of January at Nassau Coliseum. So, I’m starting to wonder.

In order to make a self determination I did a little research (thank you Jeff Foxworthy), and now to answer the 300 questions, you’re a redneck if:

You think “loading the dishwasher” means getting your wife drunk.
You ever cut your grass and found a car.
You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren’t.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater.
Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath.”
You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
Birds are attracted to your beard.
Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
You have the local taxidermist’s number on speed dial.
You’ve ever hit a deer with your car…deliberately.
Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You’ve ever given rat traps as gifts.
You clean your fingernails with a stick.
Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your mother has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned.
There are more than five McDonald’s bags in your car.
The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
You think “taking out the trash” means taking your in-laws to a movie.
You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
Your considered an expert on wormbeds.
Your kids take a siphon hose to “Show and Tell.”
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
You’ve ever bought a used cap.
Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
You pick your teeth from a catalog.
You’ve ever financed a tattoo.
You’ve ever stolen toilet paper.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
You’ve ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
You go to a stock car race and don’t need a program.
You’ve ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
you have ever used lard in bed.
you own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves.
you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.
your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
The primary color of your car is bondo.
directions to your house include “Turn off the paved road.”
your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
you ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniels makes you list of most admired people.
your wife’s hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
you see no need to stop at a rest stop ’cause you have an empty milk jug.
you consider the fifth grade you senior year.
you have a rag for a gas cap.
the dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.
you have a hefty bag where the window of your car should be.
you have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill.
your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
you bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you’re at work.
your dad walks you to school because you’re in the same grade.
you view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.
the main course at potluck dinners is roadkill.
you mow the front yard and find a car.
your other truck is made by John Deere.
you think suspenders are a type of shirt.
going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a flashlight.
you keep a spit cup on the ironing board.
you ever got too drunk to fish.
More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
You’ve ever used lard in bed.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’ouerve.
There is a stuffed posum anywhere in your house.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
Your mother doesn’t remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
The primary color of your car is “bondo”.
You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
You stand under the misteletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Bobby-Sue Ellen to walk by.
Your family tree doesn’t have any branches.
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
You’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave’em in the shade.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since “Smokey and the Bandit” was
snubbed for best picture.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider “Outdoor Life” deep reading.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
You use the term `over yonder’ more than once a month.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words “Trucking Institute”.
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is “What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?”
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are “Howdy!” “HEY!” or “How Y’all Doin?”
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.
You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You’ve ever been too drunk to fish.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
You’ve ever used a weedeater indoors.
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
You consider a family reunion a good place to pick up girls.
You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.
Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.
You’ve ever financed a tattoo.
Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
You have spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniels makes your list of “most admired people”.
You won’t stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
Your dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions.
You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: “for a good time call . .”, because you feel guilty about putting it there…
Redman sends you a Christmas card.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in the “who can spit tobacco the farthest contest”.
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just “Misunderstood”.
You’ve ever made change in the offering plate.
If the fifth grade is referred to as “your senior year,”
You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve…
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
Your biggest ambition in live is to “git thet big’ole coon. The one what hangs ’round over yonder, back’ah bubba’s barn…”
Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Beurau of Alcohol Tobbaco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry
about is if you can loose them or not.
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to “Georgia on My Mind”.
You call your boss “Buddy”, on a regular basis.You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you’ll wear to the 4-H Fair.
You have flowers planted in a bathromm appliance in your front yard.
Someone in your family says “Cum’n heer an’ lookit this afore I flush it.”
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator
If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
When you see a sign that says “Say No To Crack,” it reminds you to pull your jeans up.
You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in the “who can spit tobacco the farthest contest”.
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
You have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is!
You gene pool doesn’t have a “deep end”
“Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking
brake set?” is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl
make love.
Your `huntin dawg’ cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You’d rather catch bass than get some (if you can’t guess…)
You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top.
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You’ve been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places’
It’s Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
You’ve ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister’s honor.
You idea of talking during sex is “Ain’t no cars coming, baby!”
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job–primer red and primer gray.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren’t just men.
Yer mom calls ya over t’help, cause she has a flat tire…on her house
The ASPCA raids yer kitchen
Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get grandma a new plug of tobacco
Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle
Ya can’t get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
You’ve been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
When a sign that says “Say No To Crack!” reminds you to pull up your jeans.
Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of the wheels off his doublewide
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
You know you’re a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
“Buck Naked Line Dancing” isn’t a videotape, it’s “Ladies Night” at the local bar.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they’ve got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy’s current wife in high school.
You’re moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton singing “I Will Always Love You”.
You’ve ever parked a Camero in a tree.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it).
You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You’ve ever hit a deer with your car..on purpose! “
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
On your job application under “SEX” you put “As often as possible”.
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
You’re a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
Your parakeet knows the phrase “Open up, Police!”.
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deerhunting.
In tough situations you ask yourself, “What would Curly do?”.
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines.” or “Play Ball…”
Your child’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers!”.
Your wife’s best pair of shoes are steel-toed Red Wings.
You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
You bring your dog to work with you.
You replace a flat tire on your truck with a tire from your house.
You’ve ever put a six-pack in a casket right before they closed it
Your family’s No. 1 enemy is revenuers.
Your belt buckle doubles as a serving platter.
You use lava soap more than three times a day.
You wear cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
You have a hook in your shower to hang your hat on.
You buy your wife tube socks at the flea market.
You consider orange peels left on the coffee table as potpourri.
You grow flowers in an old commode in your front yard.
You can’t take a bath because beer is iced down in your tub.
Your kitchen doubles as a bait store.
You’ve ever picked up a woman in a convenience store.
You throw a beer can out the truck window and your wife shoots it.
You’ve ever fed your date french fries in a Denny’s.
Going to the laundromat means cleaning out the back of the truck.
Your family reunion features a chewing tobacco spit-off.
Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’ouerve.
You stand under the mistletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
You’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave’em in the shade.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words “Trucking Institute”.
Your favorite Christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
You’ve ever used a weedeater indoors.
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right’
You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in the “who can spit tobacco the farthest contest”.
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places’
It’s Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
You idea of talking during sex is “Ain’t no cars coming, baby!”
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job–primer red and primer gray.
Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle
Ya can’t get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
You come home from the garbage dump with more than you went with.

Tags: bull riding, madison square garden, monster trucks, redneck

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squirrelman @ January 12, 2012

The Giants Win!

Posted in: Baseball, Football, Sports | Comments (0)

The Giants ARE baaack… and they’re looking better than ever… just like when they were 6-2 earlier this season and people were calling them a force to be reckoned with. Well, may the force be with them. On to Green Bay again. YAY!! We had FUN there a few years ago.

That isn’t the real reason to write this post… But, hey, since they won, let’s gloat. The real reason a post about the Giants popped in to my head earlier today is that I started to think about teams names from all sports. And Giants were an interesting one (yes, my mind works different than most others). There are animals, birds of prey… and I guess when I think about it Giants does make sense… They’re HUGE and they crush people.

I really know the answer to this, but I have to at least put in to words what was running through my mind… How come there are no teams called the “Midgets”? or “Dwarfs”? There are some advantages, I suppose about being short (getting through the holes quicker, getting lost in the backfield, etc., ), and there are some people that are “terrified” by short people. I’m tall. And no one is intimidated by me.

But, then again I guess it would be politically incorrect to give a team that moniker (though we still do that the Indians, Redskins, Braves, and Canucks).

So, this post is pointless (so it fits perfectly in this blog)… we all know the answer. And we all know the Giants WILL crush the Packers next Sunday (BTW, what’s a Packer? A team that we’re going to send “packing” next Sunday? Yeah, that’s the ticket!!

Tags: Braves, Canucks, Football, Giants, Indians, Packers, Redskins, Sports

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squirrelman @ January 8, 2012

Homework

Posted in: Food, Homework | Comments (0)

There must be 1000 ways to skin a cat and solve homework problems. Perhaps I finally hit on a solution. At least in my immediate situation. Of course every kid is different (thank GOD! I’ve seen some kids and said thanks be to him that he’s NOT my son LOL). Let’s keep our fingers crossed (regardless of how hard that makes it tyaeruoadfu’e, err type) that the method we uncovered tonight will make math homework (at lease division) “easier”.

Tomorrow we’ll find out if the reading comprehension “trick” worked. Not much of a trick really. It pays to read the story . And then compare your answers to the actual text.

I think that homework was some teacher’s nasty way of getting back at parents (their prior students)… and hey, perhaps their own suffering as they recall doing homework with THEIR kids.

Though I seriously do think that homework has it’s place. I just don’t know where that place is yet. And I sure don’t want to go there.

Yes, my tongue is firmly planted in my cheek (what a sight I am, fingers crossed, tongue in cheek… how will I ever get another date??). Homework is practice… and practice makes perfect. And perfect makes the best snickerdoodles in the whole world. Hmmm… food. How did THAT get in this post?

I think I’m going to assign all my readers a little homework problem. And let’s make it a contest. Who can make the BEST snickerdoodles? If you don’t know what a snickerdoodle is then you have no idea what you’re missing. Go google the recipe. Tomorrow go get the ingredients. Then prepare to indulge all of your senses. For your house will never ever smell better, and your taste buds will never ever be happier.

To judge this contest, I will be your “teacher”. You’re to overnight half a dozen of your fresh baked snickerdoodles in a well insulated package so that they arrive still slightly warm and ready for grading. The best snickerdoodle chef will be immortalized in the annals of this blog.

That is YOUR homework assignment. Now get to work! NOW!!

Tags: homework, School, snickerdoodles

39 views

squirrelman @ January 5, 2012

We’re Getting to be World Famous(?) Again

Posted in: Life, Philosophy, Squirrel | Comments (0)

Piece by piece, and day by day, we’re slowing getting it back together. If you noticed, yesterday the Flags of the World and the State Flags from the United States started being populated again. And today, we added the feedjit live traffic feed widget. So, now in real time you can see who’s been here. And they’re seemingly coming from everywhere!

Why are they coming here?

The Squirrel must have a broad tail that touches upon the heart strings of the world. The Squirrel IS universal. Long live the Squirrel!

I have a lot to live up to now. I’ve got the whole world watching me (or soon as you see all the flags planted)… such power! This could be dangerous. For you. Not me. The Squirrel is going to take over the world. And what will I do with this power? Most likely pontificate. The World According to the Squirrel.

The new Gospel.

Time for some ice cream.

Tomorrow I will pontificate.

Tags: Domination, Gospel, Philosophy, Pontificate, Squirrel

13 views

squirrelman @ January 4, 2012

Tuesday

Posted in: Blogs, Football, Irreverant Observations, Sports | Comments (1)

Back to school.

Back to work. Tomorrow.

Back to posting. Now. Priceless.

So what did we learn about life today? Hey, I’m tired of talking (yeah, three whole days, you go guy!), why don’t you guys (and gals) tell ME what you learned about life today. Let’s make this an interactive dialog. Post a comment. Go on! I dare you!!

Ok, now that I’ve got you all riled up, let me just say this. It’s been a lot of fun blogging. And torturing my readers. Soon, and I really do mean soon, I will have some interesting things to post about again. Right now though I’m trying to figure out how to reconstruct this blog. I had so many interesting side bar things and as you can see (now) they’re all gone. So day by day I will start putting the pieces back together again. And then it will be like I never left you. Breaking up IS hard to do, isn’t it? But, let’s move beyond that, shall we?

Today was a day to start to get back in to the routine. Tomorrow it will be easier. The next day even easier. And on Friday we’re really going to throw the Bull. Literally! We’re going to a Bull Riding Event at Madison Square Garden. Seriously? Yeah. Seriously! Bulls in Madison Square Garden. What’s next? Monster Trucks? OMG, the ghost of Elvis must be turning over… wait that metaphor doesn’t really work. And I don’t think that Elvis ever played Madison Square Garden. Though if he did, and his opponent was the Knicks, there’s not doubt that he would have won. AND covered the spread. Speaking of winning and covering the spread. The Giants are the lock of 2012 this week against the Falcons. See, THIS is why you really have to pay attention and ready EVERY word in my posts. For those that missed this, I will remind EVERYONE on Monday that they blew it. Big Time. Go, Big Blue!!

So, on that note, off we go to publish this for the world to soak up. Blog on!!

Tags: Blogging, Falcons, Giants, Sports

20 views

squirrelman @ January 3, 2012

Let’s start the year off right…

Posted in: Inane Thoughts, Irreverant Observations, Life | Comments (0)

With a post.

There.

I’m done?

Right?

What?

You want more?

Isn’t that the way it always is? It is. And, not to worry. I won’t disappoint (especially if you stop reading now ).

But, for those of you that are brave enough to read on, here we go.

It’s a new year. Filled with new hopes. New beginnings. Anything and everything is possible. It’s up to us. Well, it’s up to me. What you do is up to you. Just do it! And now.

I’ve got so much to look forward to. Which doesn’t bode well for you, dear reader.

Let’s get the party started.

Every day we have choices. I’ve decided to start this year off blogging again. For those of you longing for it to be 2011 again. Too bad! I’m baaaaack!

Until tomorrow…

Tags: blab, Blog, new year, post, stream of conscience

25 views

squirrelman @ January 1, 2012

Let’s Try This Yet Again

Posted in: Blogs, Irreverant Observations | Comments (0)

I was thankfully informed that there was a major problem with the blog… it was displaying all kind of error messages and then redirected to some other website.

Well, as you can see right now I disabled EVERY customization and it seems like we’re back in business — sorry… yes… I’m baaaack!

I miss all those customizations… and I might try to add some back here and there… but why take away from the really good stuff? MY WORD! The gospel according to me.

You should be scared now.

I’m going to get my thinking cap on and before you know it the stream of conscience will come shining through yet again.

Remember, I did warn you.

BLAME the guy that pointed out to me that my blog wasn’t working. It’s all HIS fault.

Go get ‘im!

Tags: Blog, error, glitch, plug-in

11 views

squirrelman @ December 29, 2011

“Wherever Life Takes Me, There I Am”

Posted in: Get Paid, Life, Marketing, Money, Personal Observations, Ramblings, Retirement Planning | Comments (0)

I just want to go on record as the first person EVER to utter/coin the phrase, “Wherever life takes me, there I am”.

I am going to copyright the phrase.

It’s mine.

And you read/heard it here first.

Tags: Am, Copyright, Exist, existential, Goldman, Life, Lonnie, Lonnie Goldman, Philosophy, phrase

116 views

squirrelman @ September 3, 2011